Letters
by Shuri 'in a world of black and white
Summary: A collection of scenes and a series of letters between Ed and Winry.'I cannot tell you everything. I do not want to tell you everything. But though we may be far and I have to hide some things from you, my heart will always be with you.'
1. The first letter from Ed to Winry

_Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of the characters. If I did, Ed will be writing to me, not Winry. Lol._

_Any review/response is appreciated! Please... It really helps improve my writing, since I suck...

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Edward was facing his desk with a frown. He had a piece of paper in front of him, and there was a pen in his hand. Yes, he was supposed to be studying, but right now he had something more important to do. Except, somehow, it was not working out.

"Niisan? What are you doing?"  
Alphonse peeked into the piece of paper over the pile of books that was separating the two of them.  
"N…None of your business!"  
"You're writing a letter to Winry, aren't you?"  
"No! I was making some notes…"  
Edward said as he hurriedly hid the paper under a book. He was blushing slightly.  
"Whatever, niisan. Did you actually think you can fool me with that?"  
Al said teasingly, and Ed turned into a brighter shade of red (or pink, whatever). He glared at Al, but after a few seconds, he buried his head into a pile of books.

"You miss her, don't you?"  
"I don't……Ok, I do. Is it that obvious?"  
"For me, yes."

After a moment of silence, Ed raised his head again.  
"Do you think I'm being pathetic?"  
"No. Why?"  
"I told her that we won't go back anymore. But, I miss everything in Resembool. And…I even thought of writing a letter to her."  
"That's not pathetic, niisan."  
"I said we have nowhere to go back to. But then, what I'm doing…"  
"Not going back doesn't mean that you can't keep in contact with her. No, since you can't go back, you should make sure that she's doing alright through some sort of communication. Writing a letter to her means you care, not that you want to go back."  
"Thanks, Al. I feel a little better now…"  
Ed said, as he looked away. Al tried to say something, but when he noticed a tear at the corner of his brother's eyes, he looked down to the book he was reading. A faint sobbing came to his ear, but he pretended to hear nothing.

xoxox

_Dear Winry,_

_So how's everything going? Now we are staying at the house of a state alchemist, Tucker. He's called the Sewing Life Alchemist, because he succeeded in making a chimera that can speak and understand human language. Well, I wonder if you even understand what that means, since you don't really know anything about alchemy… We couldn't see it though, since it died shortly after it was made or something. That sucks, because I really wanted to see it… It could have helped with our purpose. Anyway._

_We're gonna stay here until the exams to study. There are so much books here. There are also so much books with new information that we never knew about. I'm aiming to read everything here while I can stay…Get as much as I can. But they say that the library at Central has more than a hundred times as much books as this place, which is just… unimaginable. You have to be a state alchemist, though, to get in there. There's still so much to learn, I don't even know where to start. I really hope I can cram as much information I need to pass the exam._

_Is Den fine? How about Pinako-bachan? Did anything unusual happen? Well…hope everything's fine. Hope to hear from you soon._

_Sincerely,  
Edward_


	2. The first letter from Winry to Ed

Winry was looking out of the window. She was sitting on her bed, with a piece of paper on her lap. She sighed at the never-changing moon, and looked back on the piece of paper. _Dear Winry._ It was a letter from Edward, in the messy handwriting that was all too familiar to her. From the tone of the letter, he seemed to be doing fine. Fine enough to make the letter sound cheerful, anyway. But was he really doing ok? She had noticed from all the years they've spent together that the more he was having a difficult time, the more he tried to act fine.

"Ed…"

She whispered into the empty space as a teardrop ran down her cheek.

"Can't believe I actually miss you so much."

She said sarcastically, knowing that no one will hear her. It was just not right without the Elric brothers… especially Ed. It hasn't been even two weeks since they left, but it was already getting unbearable. She needed them to barge in the workshop while she was trying to do serious work. She needed them to be breaking stuff while playing with Den. She needed Ed to be gobbling down food during dinner, and Al to tell him to stop being so rude.

Yes, they've been gone for almost a year before that, but that was different. When they left the last time, she knew they were coming back. She knew they weren't going to get into so much trouble, since they were just learning alchemy, after all.

But this time, they were not coming back anymore. They took everything worth taking, and burned their house. They even told her at the station that they won't come back. They were going to be state alchemists, aka dogs of the military. They had a reason, an unavoidable reason at that, but still, to leave Resembool to become a part of the military? They might get hurt or worse, even die…And if they died in a war, she wouldn't even know that they died.

She was still mad at the brothers for being so self-centered. Did they even care how she felt? Did they even notice that they weren't the only ones who cared about each other? She just wanted to rip the letter and throw it away, so she wouldn't have to see it again, but she couldn't. Yes, she was mad. She was sad. She didn't even want to know if they were alright…!

_They can become state alchemists and dogs of the military, and get killed in a war for all I care!_

She thought bitterly as tears began to blur her vision. No, not though. She tried to convince herself that. But she knew, deep inside, that she cared. She wanted them to be alright. She didn't want them to get hurt.

After some hours, when she finally was able to stop crying, she took a pen and a sheet of paper and sat in front of her desk.

xoxox

_Dear Ed,_

_Everything is more or less fine here, I guess. Den's auto-mail chipped yesterday while he got into a fight with another dog, but that's about it. Bachan is still mad at you guys for… well, what you did, but I think she understands. We all know how upset you both were when your mother died, cuz we were there. Don't worry, we'll take care of her grave._

_Since I don't know anything about alchemy (yes I know I have no idea about anything related to alchemy, it's not like you have to rub it in!), I don't know how much you need to study to be a state alchemist. Remember that time when I tried to read one of your alchemy books? I couldn't understand a word… I just can't imagine how hard it will be to read hundreds more books like that (oh yes, I know that it won't be anything for you, since you are so SMART)._

_Good luck in you exams! I know you can do this…Even if you can't, you have to do this. Not only for Al, but for yourself… _

_Sincerely,  
Winry_


	3. The second letter from Ed to Winry

Edward was lying down on his bunk with a difficult facial expression. He was in his dorm that he shared with Alphonse, but since Al went shopping, he was all alone in the room. On a table beside his bunk was an opened envelope. Yes, what else could it be but a letter from Winry? He glanced at the letter for a split second, and then looked back to the roof.

He received the letter more than a month ago, so he should have replied to it a long time before. It was just that… he really couldn't think of how to start the letter. There was just so much things he went through, and so much things he still had to go through, and he didn't think he could write a letter without sounding like a total loser.

"Damn it."  
There was so much thing he wanted to tell her, but not everything was good news. No, more like everything was sad. What Tucker said to him, what happened to Nina, that big blot of blood on the wall…But he didn't want to show her his weak side, and all the information, from his point of view, was a little gruesome. Not something you say to a girl. Also, since he was the one who, in a sense, ran away from his "home", he didn't want to tell her that he actually missed Resembool.

He glanced at the letter again. He really did not know what to do. Sure, what he wanted was to write back, but he had no idea how. That was when a knock came from the door, and a suit of armor came in the room.  
"You're back."  
"Yes, niisan."  
Alphonse answered half-heartedly. He was still upset of all that happened, and he did not try to hide it. He didn't really talk about it, but you could tell from the tone of his voice and the way he acted. Ed, on the other hand, was still upset. Even more upset than Al was. But he tried so hard to hide. He didn't talk about it, he just pretended nothing happened. He always had his cheeky smile, and was always making smart-alecky comments. Because that was the way he was supposed to be. Ed wasn't sure, though, if Al knew that he was just acting or not. He never was sure about anything when it came to Al.

"I bought some food, and some books…"

"Oh, yeah. Thanks."

Ed quickly changed his expression into a bored one, and turned to Al. He could not show his weak side in front of Al either, since Al was already sad. He had to be strong.  
"There's nothing to do these days."  
"But there is a lot to reflect on."  
Al's line was followed by silence. Ed just looked away. _Reflecting._ Exactly what he was trying to do for these past few days without any success.

"Winry wrote me a letter."  
Al was the one who broke the silence.  
"…Really?"  
Ed answered, trying his best to sound uninterested. In his heart, he was actually feeling uneasy because of the sudden unexpected topic. _Winry…letter.  
_"You haven't replied to her last letter, have you?"  
"……No."  
"She was wondering if you were hurt or anything."  
Al said quietly, and left the room.

When Ed was sure that Al left the room, he stood up and buried his face in his hands. He felt like crying, but he couldn't. So, this was how pathetic he was, now? He couldn't even get by without making his childhood friend…who meant more than just that…worried.

Ed got a clean sheet of paper, and faced it resolutely. If he said the exact opposite of how he felt towards everything, it was going to sound right. Or, he could just put nothing about how he felt.

xoxox

_Dear Winry,_

_I know I haven't replied to your letter in a long time, but there was so much that was going on…So. I'm actually writing from the military dorm. You know what that means? I passed! I suppose you'll be really surprised when you read this, since I didn't actually expect to pass either. Well, that just shows that I'm a good alchemist…just joking. But it means that I am one step closer to my purpose._

_We've seen so much new things, and there are still a lot that we need to get used to. Especially to people calling me the military's dog. Anyway…_

_Hope you're doing fine. _

_Edward_

_P.S. Thanks for the encouragement you gave me through your last letter…helped me a lot._


	4. The second letter from Winry to Ed

Winry heaved a sigh when she finally arrived in front of her house. Yes, she had finally gotten back from her visit to Central. She was just planning to congratulate Edward for becoming a state alchemist, and to see if Alphonse was alright…but somehow, it turned into a disaster. But at least, she had some souvenir. In fact, she had so much boxes and bags to carry that she couldn't even see in front of her. So she fell, tripped and was trampled on until she was able to get home…She was so relieved that she was able to get home alive…

But when that thought of _being home alive_ crossed her mind, her thoughts instantly went back to Ed. Alive…if it wasn't of Ed, she couldn't even have thought of coming back home. If Ed wasn't there, she would have been sliced up by that psycho Barry guy...Shivers ran down her spine just to think about that. She shook her head as if to dismiss that from her mind, and (with much difficulty) opened the front door.

"Bachan! I'm back!"  
Winry shouted cheerfully from the entrance. It was not as if she wanted her grandmother to be worried about her. Or about the Elrics. She carefully put down all the things she made the Elrics buy for her.  
"Winry. So, how were they doing?"  
"Oh, fine. They are perfectly fine."  
She said dismissively as she selected some objects from the huge stack she had. She just didn't feel like talking about anything that happened at Central. Pinako raised and eyebrow at her granddaughter.  
"You go all the way to Central and the only thing you have to say is that they're fine?"  
"Well…a lot happened."  
"A lot? And you do not plan on telling me anything, do you?"  
Winry stopped picking things from the pile.  
"I don't feel like talking about that right now… I'll tell you what I can when I'm done organizing all these thoughts…"  
She said quietly and sadly. She bent down to pet a bewildered Den, and then got up again. She smiled halfheartedly at Pinako, then went into her room.

"Oh damn it, Ed. You're making my life so complicated."  
She said, as she slammed her bag on her bed. She sighed again, not even bothering to count how many times she had sighed on account of them already. Before all these things happened, she was just an innocent, cheerful girl. She was always smiling, and though Ed and Al gave her a hard time sometimes, she was happy. But after all these things, it was as if she had never seen a real, bright sunny sky.  
"I could curse you all for this."  
And now she felt so guilty about the thing with Barry. If only she hadn't been so stupid and followed Barry. If she hadn't been so interested in the van and had seen the strangeness of the situation… Then Ed wouldn't have had to go after her and hadn't been hurt.

Yes, hurt. Of course he was hurt physically from all the cuts he received from Barry, but he was hurt more mentally. She had known him too long, and saw the deep hurt and bewilderment in his eyes for a while after the incident with Barry. The bewilderment left soon, but the hurt just seemed to worsen by the minute.

Winry really felt guilty for everything. It seemed like he got so hurt all because of her, and it really troubled her. She couldn't think of anything to say to them while she was there, since she was scared they might not talk to her like they did before. Well, they never really bothered to tell her anything anymore. She didn't want to make it worse.

But now, it was just too much. She sighed, again, and sat in her table. After much thinking of what she could write, what she couldn't write, what she should write and what she shouldn't write, she picked up a pen and started writing. She did not know that Pinako was standing just outside the door, brows furrowed with concern for her granddaughter and her two friends.

xoxox

_Dear Ed,_

_I had a nice time visiting Central…except for that thing with Barry. I'm so sorry I got fooled and I let myself get kidnapped. I swear that will not happen ever again. If you weren't there…I really don't know what would have happened to me._

_After that...you were talking with Al, right? I wasn't sure if I was allowed to listen to the conversation, but I overheard some words here and there. I just felt how small I am, and I just stood there and started crying like an idiot. I should have…I wanted to say something to you, but I couldn't._

_Ed, you aren't weak. You aren't as bad as you think. I don't think I could have done anything if I was in your place. It's just that…you are too kind. It wasn't your fault. Nothing was your fault. But you just blame yourself for it. It's OK if you can only help yourself, that's just normal. People are small and selfish. Everyone in this world just cares about themselves. Not many people are as nice as you. Though you may not like showing it, I know you are really nice._

_Hey Ed, I've wanted to ask you this so badly but I couldn't while I was there. I knew too well that you would just lie to my face, the way you always do. And that I will never be able to ask you again. Are you sure everything is alright? I mean, you said you were, but I do not believe it at all. You seem sadder. Than before._

_Oh, but you don't have to say anything if you don't want to._

_Good luck in your work!_

_Always,  
__Winry_


	5. The third letter from Ed to Winry

Edward only read Winry's letter after a week it arrived at the headquarters. The reason was that he was away for his first duty, and when he returned, he was busy with the reports and apologies and all the other things. A week had already passed when he finally noticed an unopened letter on his messy desk in the office. When he saw who it was from, he literally ripped the envelope open and started reading it furiously. Why hadn't anyone told him about the letter? He muttered as he started reading the letter, but soon his expression turned more serious.

He finished reading it, and then made a face as if he just wanted to rip it. Of course he couldn't, and folded the letter neatly and put it in his pocket. He left the office without a word. Everyone just stared at Ed's extremely unusual behavior, as if they were watching an insane kid. Everyone, that is, except for Al and Mustang. They both knew perfectly well who the letter was from, and why Ed was acting so weird.  
"I'll go check up on him."  
Al said and went off quickly before anyone asked him any questions.  
"What was THAT about?"  
Havoc said, half surprised and half amused. Mustang cocked his brow knowingly, and answered.  
"Children have their own problems."  
Havoc looked at the Colonel strangely, and went back to his work.

Al found Ed sitting under a tree at the back of the building. He stood there for a while, debating on how to talk to his older brother, when a voice came from the bottom of the tree.  
"Al, I know you're there. You don't have to hide, you know?"  
Ed gestured to Al to sit beside him under the tree. Al did as told, and looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful sunny day, and there seemed to a cool breeze blowing. But of course he couldn't feel it. He just thought so from the way his brother's hair was fluttering in the wind.

Ed silently handed the letter to Al. Al took it, and read it. Neither said a word, until Ed finally broke the silence.  
"Everything is alright? How I wish."  
Al couldn't help but notice the sarcastic tone of his brother's voice.  
"Winry is just worried about you."  
"That's why I feel so bad. I don't want her to be worried, I don't want her any more troubled than she is already! It's even all _my_ fault."  
"Niisan…"  
"She doesn't know anything about Nina. She doesn't know that I would have gone after Barry anyway. And she blames it on herself?"  
"Well…you didn't tell her, so it's only natural."

Ed's anger towards himself just exploded by that remark.  
"How do you expect me to tell her! A daughter of this maniac was turned into a chimera, and then was blown up by another maniac? I can't tell her that!"  
Ed stopped, realizing how childish he was acting, and looked away.  
"Sorry. I'm just so…"  
"It's ok. I know what you mean."  
They just sat there, looking at the clouds, never saying another word. Al knew how much Winry meant to Ed, though Ed didn't seem to notice or admit it. Yes, Al also did have a slight crush on Winry, but he knew it was nothing serious compared to what his brother felt. So he didn't feel jealous…on the contrary, he wanted the both of them to get together.

They sat there the rest of the day. They watched the sun set, and as the first star appeared on the night sky, Al stood up.  
"Let's go back now. You're gonna catch a cold."  
Ed nodded, and they both went back to their dorms.

It was the next night that Al noticed Ed slip away with an envelope in his hand in the middle of the night.

xoxox

_Dear Winry,_

_Everything is fine. Don't worry…I was just a little stressed out because everything changed so much. I'm alright now, and I'm used to Central and the military._

_The Lieutenant Colonel Mustang (why are all the titles so long?)…The guy that came on 'that day'? He is a sadistic bastard. It turns out that he's blind for power, and will literally do anything for it. He's always making fun of my height, and every time I make a mistake, he always have to make a sarcastic comment. I hate him! The other people are at least nicer. Not nice, I mean more bearable. But Mustang? He drives me crazy._

_I just came back from my first job, and that's why I didn't reply soon to your letter. I just read it yesterday. Well, it was pretty interesting. Except for the fact that people seem to hate dogs of the military more than I expected. But we reconciled in the end, since I was so understanding and kind…(hahaha)._

_You got better at automails, didn't you? Bet you're studying hard. Anyway, take care and send my regards to the people there._

_Edward_


	6. The third letter from Winry to Ed

"Winry! Wake up!"  
Winry's day starts with Pinako shouting at her from downstairs. Then she comes down in her pajamas, still rubbing her eyes, and asking what time it is. This day was exactly the same…or so she thought.  
"Bachan? Isn't it a bit early?"  
"Winry, you say that everyday."  
"I need to sleep more, bachan."  
"It's your fault that you don't sleep early."  
"I'm studying hard about automails. I'm not wasting time."  
Pinako sighed and put a plate in front of her stubborn granddaughter. Yes, this was exactly how every morning started. After the Elrics left anyway.

The rest of the morning seemed to go peacefully. After the usual routine of rise and shine, Winry and Pinako both started working on automails. Den sat on the floor, a little bored, scratching his back. Then suddenly, he raised his ear and started barking. Winry was surprised by his unexpected behavior, when a voice surprised her even more.  
"You have mail!"  
A boy shouted from outside the door. He probably was on a part-time job. It was not everyday that the Rockbells received letters. When they did, it was usually a commission for automails, or…  
"Thanks!"  
In a flash, Winry was at the door and snatched the letter from the frightened boy. She slammed the door in his face, and looked at who it was from.  
_Edward Elric  
_Yes, it was the letter that she had been waiting for. She was scared that after the last letter, Ed might not write to her anymore, but he did.

Pinako sighed, seeing the expression on her granddaughter's face. It was the happiest yet saddest face she ever had. Pinako stood up from her chair and patted Winry's shoulder.  
"Well, I'm tired now. Let's call it a day…"  
"Really? Then I'll just go up, ok? Call me when you need me…"  
Winry said as she climbed up the stairs. Pinako felt a little sad that her daughter was old enough to have "those feelings" already. She had always thought Winry will stay her little girl…but that wasn't it.

Winry went in her room, slammed the door closed and locked it, then got scissors. Unlike Ed, she was a neat person, and she didn't just tear envelopes open. She carefully took the letter out, and read it. Soon, her eyes fell and she felt so bad. Did she just make him lie? She was positive she did. Well, not exactly, since he didn't say anything, which means he can't exactly lie. But it was, in a way, worse than that. And she also knew now that no matter how much she tried, she would never be able to convince them to tell her everything.

But then, she resolved that that will be alright. She wasn't there mother or anything, and she didn't have to know everything. She just would be there if they needed her anytime. She glanced at a picture of Ed, Al and her on her desk. Yes, that was enough. She was here. If they needed a place to call "home", then they had her.

xoxox

_Dear Ed,_

_Lieutenant Colonel Mustang, huh? I remember him. He was good looking, actually. How old is he anyway? He can't be that young since he's already a Lieutenant Colonel, but he looked like he was in his 20s._

_People calling you a dog of the military…That's just so sad. They don't even know what you've been through. They don't even know why you became a state alchemist. You didn't even want to be one, but you had no choice. No matter how many people say that you sold your soul for privileges, I know that you didn't. I will always be on your side__。__Not that that would make much of a difference._

_Always,  
Winry_

_P.S. Alphonse is doing fine, too?_


	7. The fourth letter from Ed to Winry

Mustang's unit was moved to the Easter Headquarters, so both Ed and Al were caught up with moving and other things. They had to go through all that not even a month ago, but no one was there to listen to their (mainly Ed's) complains.

"Niisan! Look what I…?"  
Well, that day was one of those rare holidays the military had, and since it was a beautiful sunny day, Alphonse was out all day to have a walk. He also wanted to look around the new place they were in. He enjoyed the day very much, and as souvenir for his brother stuck in the dorm finishing some paper work, he found an interesting book on alchemy. But when he opened the door happily, he was greeted by an unusually sullen and grouchy face.  
"Um…niisan? Did anything happen?"  
Al said in a small voice, and glanced at the messy heap on his brother's desk. As far as he was concerned, Ed hadn't done anything since Al left. Then something caught Al's eye which made him extremely exasperated.  
"What did Winry say in her letter?"  
An opened letter. An unhappy Edward Elric. What other thing can this add up to except an undesirable word from Winry? He also noticed that the letter was redirected, meaning it was sent to Central once, so it arrived a little late. Which was probably another reason why Ed was in a bad mood.

Ed handed Al the letter without a word. Al took it, then he read it. Then he read it again, and again, and again. After re-reading about five times, he handed the letter back to Ed, clueless of what was going on.  
"So…?"  
"What do you mean, so?"  
"…So why are you mad?"  
Ed looked at his brother with disbelief. Al, on the other hand, just looked at Ed with a blank look. Ed sighed, and pointed to a line of the letter that literally ruined his day.

_Lieutenant Colonel Mustang, huh? I remember him. He was good looking, actually._

"Oh. Now I get you."

Al said in a very exasperated voice. Ed, choosing to ignore that, started ranting.  
"Of all the things she can say, she has to say this. Of all the people she can ever think is good looking, she thinks that damn bastard is good-looking. And…"  
Al sighed as he listened to his brother's unreasonable complaints. First he started talking about how Mustang wasn't even good-looking, and how he was too old for Winry anyway. Next he started saying that all the people in the military weren't worth any good, and of all the people Mustang. Eventually, the topic shifted to how Ed wasn't short, he still didn't have his growth spurt yet, which was completely irrelevant to the primary topic.

When Ed was finally too tired to rant anymore, it was already getting dark.  
"You know what, niisan?"  
"What?"  
Al smiled (in his mind), and then punched his brother's head without warning.  
"OUCH! What was that for?"  
Ed glared at him, but shut up when he glared even more to Ed.  
"I personally think Mustang is better looking than you. But it is not as if Winry actually likes him, niisan. Come on! That is why you never grow up."  
"_Who are you calling so short that he can play hide and seek in a pile of sand?_"  
"I never said that. I mean, grow up _emotionally._ Goodness, niisan, I seriously wonder if you are supposed to be older than me."  
Ed growled like one of those ill-tempered watch dogs, and burst out of the room. Al sighed at the childish behavior of his (supposedly) older brother, and watched his back disappear without a word.

Al picked up the book that he was supposed to give to Ed, and turned the first page. Though the content was far more complicated, it somehow reminded him of the first alchemy book he ever read with Ed. All those times in Resembool, their childhood…The things they missed, the things they were trying to get back. Al just wanted to get Ed's arm and leg back, but he knew that Ed wanted more than getting their original bodies back. He knew, that deep inside, Ed wanted to go back to Resembool. One day, when they regained everything, he wanted to go back. Back to Winry.

He thought it was interesting, in a way, that Ed got so jealous about Winry thinking Mustang as good looking. He never was aware before about how much Winry's words affected his brother's behavior. Well, now that he thought of it, it seemed as if every time Ed got into a fight when he was small, the reason was somehow related to Winry.

Al quietly smiled to himself when he noticed that Ed took Winry's letter with him. He stared out of the window, and saw the beautiful crescent moon. Somewhere under the same sky, his brother was writing a letter to Winry. Under the same sky, Winry was thinking about his brother. Both of them, under the same sky, watching the same moon.  
"Since when did I become such a dreamer?"  
He returned his gaze to the book, and only the sound of the turning of pages could be heard for the rest of the night.

Al never found out what Ed put in his letter for Winry…if he did write any, but Al was sure he did. It was fine with him, though, because Ed's actions spoke more than his words anyway.

xoxox

_Winry,_

_Yeah, Al's fine. And _Mustang_ is also doing fine (you know he is a colonel now?). And by the way, since we've been moved to the Eastern Headquarters, this is my new address. Don't send anything to Central anymore._

_We were traveling to this town way, way East. With Al, of course. You know, I really hate Mustang! All the time there's a small problem or anything, really, he starts becoming all sarcastic. And I end up going to wherever the place is, and I have to be the one to get everything right. While he is comfortably sitting in the office._

_We're having some crazy days…we were pretty surprised since when we arrived, we had to move straightaway. All the moving and everything stressed everyone up, plus I had to do some paper work because I screwed up in my last job. I mean I didn't screw up, but I didn't do it the way the military wanted me to. So I have to give in this report and written apology. So I'm going to be busy for a while. Might not be able to write back for a while, so sorry…in advanced._

_Anyway, take care, and send my regards to bachan and Den._

_Always,  
Edward_


	8. The fourth letter from Winry to Ed

Pinako was out of town for a business trip to Central, so Winry was free to do anything she wished. It was one of those rare holidays she had, since whenever Pinako was around, Pinako encouraged Winry to work on automails.

But of course, even if it was a holiday, it was not as if Winry could separate herself from the passion of her life. She went to the town library to look up on some books about automails. She was secretly hoping to get some new knowledge before Pinako got back, but frankly, she was quite upset with the lack of sources. Resembool was a small town, so naturally the library was also small. Which meant that the collection of books and other sources were less in content and variety. She was disappointed when she found herself looking at books, reading things that she already knew.

She sighed. It was a holiday, for heaven's sake, and she was already running out of things to do. Yes, she could work on automails, but she wanted to do something different for a change. If the Elrics were here, then she will never get bored, or run out of things to do. She really did miss them, but there was no point in saying this now.

Winry walked back to her house. On the way, she met some friends and greeted them. They were all going on happily with their life, and it seemed as if Winry alone was left behind. Left behind with the shadows of the Elrics, especially with that of Edward.

She was supposed to go home, but found herself walking towards the ruins of the Elrics' house. Whenever she felt lonely, whenever she wanted to meet the brothers, she always went there. At times, the place brought back comforting memories that cheered her up. Sometimes, the charred pieces of wood that remained made her feel even more sad and empty.  
"Ed…Al…"  
She whispered into the open space. Her vision was becoming blurry, but she fought back the tears. The two never cried, and she wanted to follow their example.  
"…It's so funny, I always come here somehow. Even when I know you won't be here."  
The Elrics burnt their house down so 'they can't look back anymore'. But for all she knew, it was her who couldn't help but look back at the past. She always remembered happy memories from their childhood, and held on to the things that she needed to let go. It was her, not them, who needed something to keep herself looking at the future.

She walked through the burnt house, trying to see if anything had survived. This was also something she always did. It made her remember how life used to be when their parents were still here. They never had to think about anything complicated, and they never were sad. Of course, most things were completely damaged by the fire, but occasionally, she did find some things.

That day, she found a ring that probably belonged to their mother. She did not recall seeing it before, but she could tell it was something precious. The fire had left some parts charred, but she could still see the decorations around the ring. It was really pretty. Of course, she never took out these things from the ruins. No matter how much she missed the Elrics' house, no matter how comforting the small things were, it was part of the past that the Elric brothers decided to burn down. It was something that she was not allowed to touch.

The sun began to set, and Winry was surprised with how fast the time passed. But again, time always flied so fast when she was in the ruins of the house. She ran to her own house, hurrying to get there before the sun set completely. She arrived at the gate, and peeked into the mailbox. A white envelope signed _Edward Elric_.  
"…About time."  
She smiled, humming softly as she got into her house.

She read the letter, and was happy to hear they were alright. Ed seemed busy as usual, but he didn't seem sad or troubled, as he always did for the past few letters. She was a little surprised by the sarcasm when he wrote about Mustang. She did not understand why Ed seemed to be obsessed in backstabbing him.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea came to her head. If she couldn't get any new information about automails in Resembool, why not ask Ed to send her some from Central?

She made a cup of milk tea, which was her favorite drink, and brought it upstairs. She quickly wrote a letter, drank the tea, and looked out the window. It was a beautiful night. Then she noticed that the loneliness she felt during the day was completely gone. Was it because of the letter, because she heard from Ed in a few weeks? She smiled softly, and started reading the letter again.

xoxox

_Dear Ed,_

_Guess working in the military is a lot of work…I never knew that you also had to do paperwork. It should be hard for you, since you never were the writing type._

_Bachan is in Central right now. One of her customers wanted her to visit and check up on the automails. The shop is getting on fine ,and I even have customers of my own! I actually earn a small amount right now…But of course, bachan's automails are way better. I'm aiming to beat her one day. Though it may sound impossible, I will! And for that, I need to read new books and learn some more, but the library here doesn't have any useful books. So. If you find anything that might be useful, can you send it to me? Please? Please please please?_

_Oh, and you don't have to write to me that often, I know you're busy…and though you may not notice, I'm also quite busy… Just write often enough for me to know that you are still alive. At least. Just promise me that._

_Just take care, and try not to get into any trouble. Tell Al that I said hi._

_Winry_


	9. The fifth letter from Ed to Winry

A few years had passed since, and the Elric brothers were now full-fledged alchemists. Edward, particularly, was well known in Central and the East. 'A military dog on the people's side' was how most citizens described him. Often adding, 'But he is so short.'

But, as a state alchemist and his brother, both Ed and Al always got into trouble. And one of those days, they met Dr. Marco, and got involved in an incident with Scar. Naturally, both had some…damages, like an automail arm and half of an armor shattered into pieces.

Both of them had to wait in the eastern headquarters until Mustang 'decided what to do with them'. In other words, since Mustang had to talk with the Fuhrer for a while, the Elrics had to wait for a few hours before he got back. It was, indeed, _very, very_ boring to just sit there and do nothing for _a few hours_, especially since the brothers did not feel like talking at that time. After five minutes of uneasy silence, Ed gave up and walked out of the room. Al tried to follow, but remembering how half of his body was gone, he sighed and decided to wait.

It was an hour later that Ed finally came back, carrying a huge bag full of apparently heavy things with his left arm.  
"Uh…niisan? What is that?"  
Al asked, glad that he could finally say something _not_ serious for once. They were having some trouble with communication ever since that incident with Scar, since whatever they said eventually led to that topic, which was not exactly what they wanted to think at that moment. Ed looked at him, apparently pretty fed up with whatever was in the bag.  
"Automail parts and some books."  
"Automail…? Niisan, since when were you even interested?"  
Al asked, voice full of curiosity. As far as he was concerned, his brother was not one who would be interested in those things. Ed shook his head. He seemed troubled. Very troubled.

"Winry. It's for Winry."  
Ed said after a brief pause. Al looked at him with wonder. Was his brother actually giving Winry a _gift_? Of all the people, his immature brother, giving Winry something related to her passion, which Al knew exasperated Ed.  
"…Niisan? Are you alright?"  
Ed glared at Al, clearly sensing the tone of amusement in his brother's voice. This really wasn't the time to kid around.  
"It is not what you think. Look…"  
He pointed at the shoulder part of his automail, the only remains that he still had. Then he pointed to the space where Al's armor should have covered, _if_ the other half was still there.  
"You still don't understand?"  
Ed asked. Al shook his head. Ed just dropped his shoulders, and said in a hoarse whisper.  
"Winry will kill us both."

It took a while for Al to fully comprehend the sentence. But when he did, he felt a shiver go down his spine. Not that he had one anymore, but that was exactly what it felt like.  
"…Shoot."  
"So you finally understand. If we go back like this, she will definitely kill us both with her wrench.  
"Well…I can't exactly die, since I'm just a suit of armor."  
"She'll melt you to make new automails."  
The brothers looked at each other, obviously scared for their lives. Winry wasn't usually so violent, but when she snapped… It was horrible. They both knew that well, since they had known her for their whole life. It was, in a way, a more horrifying experience than the night they tried to transmute their mother.

"So… I will write a letter to her, and send these parts and books with it. These are not _gifts_, these are _sacrifices_."  
"……"  
"…Let's just hope that these will arrive before we do. If they don't……"  
"Just don't mention it, niisan. We always have to hope for the best, not the worst."  
"My brother!"  
They grasped each other's remaining arm. Yes, they had to hope for the best… Thinking about the worst doesn't help. Especially when the mere thought of it could stop you dead in your tracks. They were in this together…

The next two hours passed with Ed trying to right the letter with his left arm. He was obviously frustrated at his bad handwriting (his usual one was bad enough, the one with his left was almost illegible), and he was having trouble with the words. Al cheered, trying to help as much as he could. If this didn't work well, both of them would be in their graves soon enough.

After much grunting and mumbling and complaining, the letter was finally done. Ed and Al both read it three times each, just to make sure the spelling and grammar was perfect. They also made sure that the letter didn't sound as bad as what really happened. They knew that if Winry found out…no, they did not want to think about it.  
"Al…Does this look okay to you?"  
"Well, I guess so. I mean, if this isn't okay then…"  
"No. Don't say it."  
They looked at each other again, slight desperation in their eyes. If they had to meet the worst, then at least they weren't alone.  
"Niisan, hurry up and send the letter! It _needs_ to arrive before us!"  
"I know, Al! See you later!"

Ed shouted as he burst through the door. Al saw him leave with much worry. He was, to be honest, missing Resembool a little. He was happy that he had an excuse to go back for once. But now…it didn't seem like such a good idea anymore.

xoxox

_Dear Winry,_

_Hey! Yeah, I know it's been a while and that I haven't written to you for so long. And I am also really sorry that this letter is in really bad handwriting. It's because I'm writing with my left, since I am having some problems with the automail. It is apparently broken. I'm so sorry about this too, but it wasn't my fault, okay? It _wasn't

_Well…I guess you can tell why I'm writing to you. Al and I will probably go there sometime soon, because I really need you to fix it. It's extremely hard to do anything like this, and I also need to fix Al (he also needs some repairing, by the way)._

_I know I've said that we can't go back, so we'll only be staying for a few days. That's probably better for you and Pinako bachan too. Please tell her before I get back so she won't be so mad at me._

_Always,  
__Edward_


	10. The fifth letter from Winry to Ed

Winry arrived home right before the sun disappeared completely from the horizon.

She found the door locked, which meant that Pinako was out for the moment. Most probably buying some groceries… Winry crouched a little to pick up the key from the under the doormat, which was their secret hiding place for keys. It was one of the most obvious places to hide the key, but oh well. It was Resembool, for goodness sake, and it was not as if people tried to break into others' home.

Winry opened the door, got in, and threw her baggage to the nearest chair. She was sad, tired, worried…sick of thinking. She wanted to sit down, but instead got a cup of water to calm herself.

Just on the day she received the last letter that Ed sent her, the Elrics came with a destroyed automail and half-destroyed armor. And a few weeks later, before Winry could send a reply to his letter, she had to go to Central to fix Ed's automail. There, she was told about the complicated situation the Elric brothers were in. When they decided to leave Central, she demanded for them to take her too, and she traveled with them to Rush Valley.

It wasn't long, though, till the three met with Scar and the Ishbalans. And the Ishbalan child told her about how her parents were killed, not even knowing that she was their daughter. He told him who killed her parents…who, _coincidentally_, happened to be the very person who let Ed be in the military.

So when the Elrics, particularly Ed suggested that Winry should go home, she agreed. She didn't exactly want to, but she gave in at the end.

In all, she was tired.

She went up to her room, lied down on her bed, and stared at the ceiling for a while. It was pink from the sunset for a few minutes, but it turned dark soon after. Then it slowly began to blur, and she started crying. She heard the door open, which meant that Pinako was back home, but she didn't go down. She couldn't…not with her face smeared with tears anyway.

Of course, her grandmother respected her privacy, and did not come butting into the room demanding for answers. Winry thanked Pinako mentally, and continued crying.

It was strange how the feeling she had at that point was neither hate nor anger, but just apathy. She was tired of worrying, tired of thinking about the Elrics, tired of trying to stay strong…and certainly didn't want a new, unwanted information to ruin her life. She just felt helpless, and didn't want to feel anything else.

After about an hour, though, she went down to greet her grandmother and have a quiet dinner with her. Pinako expressed her anger for Winry to go with the Elrics without a word, but she did not inquire farther. After that, Winry just took a quick bath and slept.

A few days passed like that, with Winry getting up late, eat, take a bath, then sleep again. Sometimes, she also spent time outside with Den, just lying down on the fields and staring at the clouds. Pinako was worried, but she left her alone. Winry was old enough to take care of herself, and if she didn't ask for help, then she didn't need any.

A few more days passed. Winry was finally starting to regain the courage to face the reality and think about it. So Mustang _did_ kill her parents. If it weren't for him, she wouldn't have had such a lonely childhood. But he also was just taking orders from the military. She felt sure…no, she hoped…that Mustang wasn't the type of person who'd kill innocent people for pleasure. So what she had to hate was war, not Mustang. He had helped Ed and Al after all, hadn't he?

She knew, but she couldn't convince herself entirely. She wasn't so mature.

Then, she wondered if Ed knew. If he did, did he still trust Mustang? If he didn't, would he want to know?

She couldn't decide either way.

So she decided to write to him. She smiled for the first time in weeks when she picked up the pen…_How long haven't I written to him?_ There really hadn't been any need for it lately, since she had been traveling with them. Now that she was back home, she was noticing again how much they meant to her.

xoxox

_Dear Ed,_

_I know I've only been away for some weeks, but I was already getting worried. That is how little I trust you, Edward Elric, to keep away from trouble. It seems as if that's your purpose in life: to get into danger._

_I've actually learned something…really, really disturbing. Ed, did you know that the person who killed my parents was a state alchemist? It might be…someone I know. Someone you know. Kinda well. It's really weird. If I could hate him, life will be so much easier, but I can't since I know he isn't a bad person. Not exactly, anyway._

_Ed, you would never kill an innocent person, will you? You've become a state alchemist, a dog of the military, but you wouldn't kill someone innocent, will you? You are Ed, after all. Al's brother. My friend._

_Sorry, I didn't really plan on writing this in the letter. It just came out…_

_Again, DO NOT do anything stupid, okay? Please…_

_Always,  
__Winry_


	11. The letter Winry couldn't reply to

It was not so long until Winry received a much awaited letter from Ed.

It was raining very hard on that day, which was quite unusual in Resembool. A typical day at that time of the year would have been a sunny, breezy, perfect day. Instead, grey clouds covered the sun and rain was literally pouring down. It was much colder than it should have been, and Winry had to turn the heater on.

She did not like rain at all. The humidity ruined automails and made it harder to work. It also made her feel gloomy, watching the dull, grey sky and endless drops. The world seemed more monochromic when it was such bad weather. The sound of raindrops hitting the roof also drove her crazy. Moreover, it reminded her of the day the Elrics tried to transmute their mother.

Though she was meant to be repairing an automail of one of their regular customers, she spent half of the day looking out of the window. On days like this, work was the last thing on her mind. It had been a while now since she parted with the Elrics, and she wondered what they were doing. _Getting into trouble, obviously…and breaking automails._ She couldn't help but smile at the small, sarcastic voice at the back of her head.

Then, a delivery boy from town came with a letter from Edward Elric.

_About time_, she thought, happy but not too surprised with the letter. She glanced at Pinako, who was too concentrated on her automail to notice, and opened the letter. She was supposed to be working, _yes_, but it wasn't as if she was focused anyway.

xoxox

_Winry,_

_There is just so much that happened. We both have bad new and good news. Or, to be exact, what would have been good new until now but isn't anymore. And whatever little good that was left there is no overshadowed by the unimaginably bad news._

_We have the philosopher's stone, Winry. We have it. Scar made it using all the soldiers that went to Lior… After how many thousand deaths, he made it. A damn big piece of it, even. If you ignore the part that tens of thousands of people died for it, that _seems_ like good new. The extremely bad new is that the stone is Al. That crazy bastard transmuted Alphonse in a philosopher's stone._

_Now everyone is after us…the army, homunculus… The army can come later. First, we need to go back to Resembool. There is something we…I need to get to defeat the Homunculus._

_The army will probably go there and look for me. I'm really, really sorry that I'm gonna cause so much trouble. I did not want to, but then I guess it's the payment for what I've done. Equivalent trade._

_And don't answer or reply ore react in anyway to this letter. This is a letter from a wanted criminal, don't forget that._

_Edward_

xoxox

By the time she finished reading the letter, her hands were shaking so badly that she thought she might rip the paper. She shot a nervous glance at Pinako, who was still intently focused on her automail.

Winry was panicking. She had been expecting a _normal_ letter, not something like this. She also had expected the Elrics to be getting in trouble, but not something so…serious. She needed to think, but her mind seemed to be frozen. _Ed… Al…_ She just kept repeating their names in her mind.

"Winry?"  
Pinako, who finally noticed something strange going on, called out to her granddaughter. No reply. Pinako furrowed her brow and walked to Winry. She was about to shout at the girl for not paying attention to her work, but then she noticed Winry's hands were shaking. Something was wrong.  
"Winry? What happened?"  
Winry looked up with fearful eyes, and handed the letter to Pinako. Pinako read it, turning paler at each word.

"…What should I do, bachan?"  
Winry said in a trembling voice. She was scared out of her mind. Pinako looked at her granddaughter with sympathy, and patted her back.  
"We can't do anything, Winry. All we can do is wait for them."  
"They are in deep trouble, aren't they?"  
"They always were. Ever since the night they tried to bring back their mother."  
"But… They never got themselves into _really_ bad things. Why couldn't they just let it be like that?"  
"Winry, stop being unreasonable. You know they asked for this, and they can't complain. They won't, even if they had the chance. This is part of the payment for human transmutation."  
Winry blinked to fight back tears, but it simply wasn't working. Everything became blurred and blotted by tears, and before she knew it, she was bawling like a baby. Pinako hugged Winry; it wasn't often that she showed open gestures of affection, but Winry crying like a baby was not something that happened often either.

"Why does it always have to be them…?"  
Much later that day, when Winry was alone in her room, she whispered sadly into the empty space. She still felt like crying, but tears had long dried up. She imagined how she would look right now in a mirror, and let out a dry, sarcastic laugh.  
"Why…why does it have to be them? Why can't I be in their place…?"  
She felt so guilty that she was in Resembool, leading a peaceful life, while the Elric brothers went through so much. How many times did she wish she could carry their load with them? Of course, it wouldn't have been possible. But how she wished…

She rose up to get a pen, but stop half way into the action. She was about to write a reply, like what she always did, but then she remembered that she wasn't supposed to answer the letter. _A letter from a wanted criminal_. That was how Ed called it. He should have been in a hurry, too, since his handwriting was messier than usual.

She felt like throwing up. And would have, too, if she hadn't emptied her stomach already. She also felt like crying, but her eyes just hurt. All she hoped for, at that moment, was to see the Elrics again…in particular, Ed. She still had so much things to say to him. Like, "How do you get into so much trouble?" or "Don't you ever think before you act?" or "What about the people who worry about you?".

Or, "Don't push yourself too hard." and "I don't want you to die yet." and…

Maybe, only maybe, "I love you."


	12. The letter Ed couldn't reply to

"Come back alive, Ed!"  
Russel's voice reached Ed's ear as he walked into the dark catacomb which supposedly led to the Underground City. Ed waved without looking back, and quickened his pace into a trot.

Again, so much had happened.

Just a few moments…or was it days? He was losing his sense of time. It seemed to be a few moments ago that he had faced Wrath and Sloth in a broken-down warehouse in Central. With Lust on his side, he thought that he could end the grudge with Sloth once and for all…but he proved to be wrong. Wrath appeared, taking the Elrics off guard. Wrath killed Lust, and though the brothers were able to finish Sloth off, Al was taken by Envy.

Wrath had cried when Sloth was turned into ethanol, and started to evaporate.  
"_Why won't you cry? Isn't she _your_ mother?"  
_His desperate voice still rang in his ears. Sloth _wasn't_ his mother, and both him and Al knew that. But even if they knew, it was hard to fully comprehend that Sloth and Trisha wasn't the same person. They looked alike, sounded alike… But their mother was dead. That was the hard, cold fact.

His thoughts were forced to turn to Wrath. Wrath was the result of Izumi's attempt in transmuting her dead son. And for some reason or another, he was the one who got Ed's arm and leg. Just as his name implied, he was always angry…at Izumi for _making_ him, at Al for having a mother, at Ed for using alchemy…but Ed could see that Wrath was just hurt. Wrath, or any of the homunculus never asked to come to life. They were forced to exist by foolish alchemists who tried to revive the death.

At that respect, Ed had long concluded that all the homunculus had every right to hate him He wasn't that stupid not to understand that.

But then, they took Alphonse. And that was unacceptable.

He was about to chase Envy when he realized his injuries were too much.

He put his hands in his pockets, and found out that there was a piece of paper inside. He took it out, curious what it might be. As far as he was concerned, he didn't put any paper in his pocket.

It was only natural that he was shocked to see a very familiar handwriting scribbled on it. _Winry...She must've put it when I saw her last._  
It hurt him to think about Winry at the moment. He now understood what he truly felt towards her…which was so much more than friendship which he always thought it to be. He wanted to see her again, and confess his feelings, maybe? He was not sure about the last part, but he really wanted to see her at the moment. He was frightened of what might lie ahead, though he did not show it, and Winry's smile was the only thing that ever really relieved him of fear or anxiety.

Ed carefully opened the letter…or note, more like…and spread the wrinkles on it. It was dark inside the tunnel, but he was grateful there was enough light to read the precious note.

xoxox

_Ed,_

_I knew you would've gotten into this kind of trouble. You always do. You know how sad and worried I've been every time you get into trouble? All the time,_ all the time_, I need to go through all these things._

_Sorry. I guess there is no point in telling this to you now. What I can say, _all_ I can say, is that…be careful. Always remember that you have your limits. A line you can't and shouldn't cross. You've come all the way here, probably farther than you've expected to come. At least, it is a lot farther than what I've expected. Now, you are so close to your goal. Both you and Al. But that goal seems to be so different from what you've anticipated it to be, doesn't it? It's your choice now, Edward Elric. You have spent so long looking for this, and this is the place where the ways part. So choose. Follow your heart, and do what you need to do so there won't be any regrets._

_I hope you will come back alive._

_Winry_

xoxox

The letter he was expecting would comfort him actually made him feel worse. Did he really make her feel _that_ bad? Did he? He felt another weight of guilt drop in his already heavy heart.

The right choice. Saying it was so easy… Only three words, three _short_ words at that. But it had so much meaning to it. And each meaning was slightly different from the others.

The right choice for him. The right choice for Al.  
The right choice for Winry.

The right choice for the homunculus. For Dante. For Hohenheim.

For Mustang, for the Hawkeye, for Hughes, for Armstrong.

The right choice for Scar.

They were all so different. Which 'right choice' was Winry talking about? Depending on that, what she wanted him to do would be so different from the other possibilities he face.  
He shook his head, hoping that it would clear his mind a little bit. It didn't; just worsened the headache he was having.

Ed felt helpless again. He felt as if the whole world was against him, and he was such a small and weak thing. Which wasn't so wrong.

"Winry… I am so sorry."  
Words of apology escaped from his mouth, and he leaned on the wall beside him. He did not know why he said sorry, especially since the girl he wanted to say it to wasn't even there. He just felt so guilty for everything. And he couldn't explain what that 'everything' was, either.

He closed his eyes, trying to form the gentle smile of Winry in his mind.  
"Please…help me through this…"  
Ed whispered into the empty air.

Then straightened up, and carefully folded the note and put it back into his pocket. When he opened his eyes again, he was no longer the sad and confused boy he had been a few moments ago.

He was Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. And the Fullmetal Alchemist still had a job to do. He took a steady step, shutting out anymore unwanted emotion from his mind.

* * *

_So sorry it took forever for me to update. Two more chapters..._


	13. The unsent letter from Ed to Winry

"Edward-san!"  
A familiar voice awoke Ed from his sleep. He blinked a few times, almost grumbling to his brother that it was still too early to wake up…  
Only to remember that _this _Alphonse was different from the Alphonse that used to wake him up.  
"Alphonse…what time is it now?"  
"It's already ten o'clock. It is about time you woke up."  
"Right…"  
Ed sat up, scratching his head. He looked at his window, and noticed the sun was high up. He thought Alphonse probably waited until the last minute to wake him up. Alphonse was always like that.

"Edward-san, I'm leaving, okay? I'll tell everyone in the factory that you're going to be late."  
"Yes, okay…"  
Ed answered as he went down the stairs to the kitchen. He heard the sound of the door opening and closing, and knew Alphonse left.

Machines he never would have dreamt of in the Alchemic World stared at him in the kitchen. It was amazing how the people here thought of all these…going into space sort of things.  
_Surely what Winry would have been interested in.  
_Ed thought, somewhat absentmindedly, and reached for a glass of water.

It had become his habit to think of anything related to Winry, or the Alchemic World for that matter, in a detached state of mind. He learnt that it hurt less when he did that. He also learnt how to blur everything with alcohol when memories came flooding back to him, and how to cover up his arm so he wouldn't remember about automails.

It was a part of his daily life already, but apathy started eating up on him.

Was this 'rocket' really going to take him to space? If it did, would that be a way to return to his own world? If he really did go back, would Winry remember him? Did Al really come back? What happened to the colonel?  
_Did he have a place to go back to?_

Ed shook his head, trying to get those thoughts of his mind. It wasn't a good sign to have these thoughts so early in the morning… Usually, it meant he would get himself severely intoxicated at the later part of the day. He rose up, somewhat reluctantly, and splashed his face with the cold tap water.

Never had he thought that there would come a day when he'd feel so…pathetic. After all those things he had done back home, this only was fair retribution… Equivalent change was, after all, the one and only principle that kept haunting his life. But he still remembered Winry, and Al, and everyone else. He remembered how he left without saying so much things he should have said…especially to Winry.

Ed couldn't help but smile at the memories of Winry and her letters. He only wished he brought them with him, but as far as he knew, it was still in the drawer of the desk in his military dorm. They probably would have been burnt by now. The only thing he had with him was the last note from Winry.

He stared at it, sometimes, just to remember the Alchemic World wasn't something in his dream. That note from Winry, her handwriting, her motherly tone… They were the only thing that kept him trying. But even that was coming to a limit. There are some things that just never seem to work out.

_Maybe,_ he thought, _I could write a letter to her, like those old times.  
_Yes, he knew there would be no reply. But it still didn't matter. At least, he'd have something to do…  
He did not feel like going to the factory anyway. He actually never did anymore, but he could not say that to Alphonse. Not after how much Alphonse helped him…

Ed went upstairs to his messy room. And he pulled out a clean sheet of paper with great difficulty from a huge pile of blueprints of rockets. Looking for a pen was a lot harder… It took him about half an hour to find one that actually worked.

It was so funny how he didn't even care to clean up once he came here.

xoxox

_Winry,_

_I know I sound like an idiot, which I actually am, writing this letter. I know perfectly well that this will never get to you. Which means I am wasting my time and effort writing this because you won't read it. Or, maybe that is the only reason why I'm writing this. Since no one will ever read this, I can put what I really feel about everything._

_You may not believe this, since I cannot really believe it myself, but I am alive. I am just in another world. The way my father says it, on the other side of the _Gate_. Here, there is no alchemy. Instead, they have machines that can do just about anything. You'd probably love it here, there is just so much things you'll never find out there… I am trying to learn some of these "technology" as they call it, because there might be a way to go back through this technology. If I ever go back, which I am starting to feel is highly unlikely, I'll teach you some of them. Might help with your automails._

_The city where I live now is called Munich. I'm in a boarding house owned by a lady who looks so much like Glacia-san. And I share the room with a boy called Alphonse Heiderich, who, well, looks a lot like Al. Strange, isn't it? There is no alchemy here, but everything else seems so alike. Even the people._

_I've been trying for three years already to go back, and as you can see, so far I have not made any progress. I miss everything back there, and I really need to go home, because I am no sure, even at this point, if I succeeded in bringing Al back. If I didn't, I would have to try again. Even if it meant giving up my whole existence for that._

_I miss that world. Not being able to use alchemy is horribly difficult for me. I miss all those people in the military, even. Yes, I would have to admit that even meeting Mustang would be a nice change. Did he…beat the Fuhrer? Or was he killed? Is Glacia-san and Elysia doing fine? Izumi-sensei…Is she still fine? Rose, did she get over her past? Her baby has already grown up, hasn't he? And, Al. If I really did bring him back, I really would want to see him. Does he hate me? Does he regret the 4 years we spent looking for the philosopher's stone? He's my brother, he is the only family I have left, and I couldn't bear for him to hate me._

_Most of all, I miss you. I've missed you when I was in Central, how much more when I'm in this crazy city called Munich? It's just so hard. I have no one that I can really trust and count on here. It's so ironic that I never noticed how much you actually meant to me until I completely lost contact with you. You've heard of people who say they never knew how much someone meant until he died? I understand them now. You are not exactly _dead_, but it's as close to dead as anyone alive can be._

_This might sound crazy, because it seems crazy enough to me, but there's something I couldn't tell you when I was there. I guess I never really understood what this was about. Or maybe I've known and wanted to tell you ever since, but I never had the courage. Winry, I know this sounds crazy, but I love you. I think I did ever since we were kids, but this feeling got stronger since I left for Central. At that time I didn't know why I looked forward so much to your letters, or why I felt so guilty when you were worried about me, but now I know. Now that I'm in this other world, I somehow cannot get you off my mind. You were always there, but I don't have you anymore._

_You probably forgot about me by now, and are moving on with your life. The automail shop, friends, maybe even a boyfriend… But somehow, I have a feeling that I will never get on with _my_ life. You will always have that special place in my heart. I just wished I had noticed it earlier, and told you while I had the chance. I know it's no use now, but I just keep thinking that._

_Do you remember that note you gave me? You told me to choose, so I won't regret. Right now I am not sure if I made the right choice. Of course, Al meant a lot to me, and I would have transmuted him anyway, but sometimes I do regret it. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Humans are weak and selfish. I am no exception. I just feel pathetic._

_We may never meet again. But if we do…or even if I will have a chance to appear in your dreams, I swear that the first thing I will say is I love you and thank you. Two things that are long overdue, the two other reasons why I have to go back to the Alchemic World._

_Edward_

xoxox

As he wrote the letter, he felt long lost emotions come back to him. He felt alive…_real_, for the first time in years. He remembered how much he cared about Winry, and Al, or course… About the days with Izumi, the state alchemist exam… Working in the military, listening to sarcastic comments from Mustang…

A teardrop fell on his hand, and he quickly brushed it off. Winry, Winry, _Winry_…! He felt so pathetic for the millionth time… An 18 year old boy wasn't supposed to be crying, after all.

But at least, he was happy he was feeling something again…

He smiled a little, which was another thing he hadn't done for a long time. He yawned, and rested his head in his arms. He felt a light drowsiness take over him… It was also long since he felt sleepy without drugs or alcohol.

"Edward-san? Are you here?"  
Later that day, Alphonse came back to the boarding house to be answered by silence. He frowned…Edward usually answered, even if it was only a word or two.  
"Edward-san!"  
Alphonse opened the door to Ed's room, and sighed to see Ed there. He hadn't showed up in the factory the whole day, and was he just… sleeping here?

_Oh, wait. Sleeping?  
_Alphonse looked again at Ed in disbelief. No alcohol, no pills around. That _was_ a change.  
And he noticed a slight smile in Ed's face.  
"Oh well…"  
He shrugged, and walked out of the room without waking Edward.

Everyone noticed that Edward seemed more cheerful since that day, and that he even managed to smile…and laugh at times after that. They thought something good happened to him…

Little did they know that it was only because of two folded pieces of paper…Winry's note and his letter… which was inside his pocket so he wouldn't have to leave it anywhere anymore.  
Memories were, indeed, very powerful things. It had tortured Ed for three years, but it seemed as if they now helped him live on.

* * *

_Let me just tell you that this particular chapter is dedicated to a friend of mine, who so kindly downloaded "Conqueror of Shamballa" for me (you know who you are), since I have dial-up... No, I do not live in the old stone age.  
Yeah, thanks again! And please review people!_

_One more to go...!_


	14. The unsent letter from Winry to Ed

_How quickly time passes by…  
_Winry mused as she looked out of the window of her room.

Three full years had passed since Edward Elric's mysterious disappearance. So many things changed at a dramatic speed around Winry, and she was tired.

Tired of smiling. Tired of pretending she was fine. Tired of looking at the newspaper to see if Ed's name appeared somewhere. Tired of clinging to the memories of Ed, in hope that he was still alive, somewhere.

The letters he sent her was still inside the drawer of her desk. In fact, it was still one of her most prized possession.

But she no longer read them. She didn't need to…She read them too many times that she remembered every word by heart. She could recall any line from any letter, and recite it without pause.

And she was also tired of doing that.

In fact, there was not a single thing she could think of that she was not tired of. Even automails lost their appeal since the disappearance of Ed. She was now a living ghost…an empty shell with the name of Winry Rockbell.

Winry was in apathy, as people called it. Maybe the loss of her loved one was too much for the girl to hold. And so many of the neighbors looked at her with pity. She neither cared nor noticed.

Whenever something was bugging her, she usually wrote a letter to Ed. Even if she never really put everything she wanted to say, just the act of writing helped her organize her thoughts. And a reply from Ed would encourage her, and showed her out of the mess she was in.

But wasn't it just _plain ironic_ that the person she was supposed to write to was the one causing all this trouble? And that he was gone…somewhere where she couldn't send a letter to. So she'd also never get an answer. She sighed in self-mockery. No matter how hard Winry tried, there was always something inside that prevented her from forgetting, or laughing, or smiling, or feeling happy.

She reached out to the drawer where she kept all of her previous letters…and drew back. Because she knew, deep down, that the reason why she never looked at them anymore was not because she memorized them. It was because when she saw them, she saw Ed. And when she saw Ed, it hurt.

Then how was she supposed to ever, _ever_ move on?

She reached out for a clean sheet and a pen, like countless times before. Her heart ached at every motion she made.  
Even if she couldn't get a reply, maybe writing would help…  
She thought detachedly, and wrote the first two letters of the name she always thought of.

Then the words just came out.

xoxox

_Ed,_

_Three years have already passed since you disappeared. I want to believe you are still alive, and I do, but sometimes a dark thought creeps into my mind, whispering to me that you are dead. I don't want to believe it, but it is proving to be harder than I thought. Why did you disappear from that place? If you're alive, how come you never came back? Or at least write a letter? Did you get too hurt that you couldn't even write? Or did you forget everything that happened? Where are you? What are you doing? …Too many questions, all unanswered. But the one question I really want the answer for is… Are you alive?_

_You have missed so much. I handle most of the customers in the shop now, since Pinako bachan is seriously considering retiring. She still works, of course, but only for her really old customers. I take the orders for everyone else. Den is still fine, but he is also getting old. He doesn't run or play as much anymore, but is still as loyal as before._

_Rose stayed with us for a while, but she went back to Lior. She wants to put the city back in order. She also wants to help the children who were orphaned in the war. Lior is now on the way to restoration. It's probably going to be a long and rocky path, but I'm sure they will do it. "Stand and walk, move forward." She said that you told her that before. Just like you, always looking forward, heading towards a set goal. I'm sure she can follow what you said, but I don't think I can. I keep looking back, thinking about you._

_Izumi-san passed away about a year ago. Her funeral was only modest, and I'm sure she would've wanted you there. No use saying this now, though. Her grave lies now in Dublith, beside the unmarked stone which stood for her lost son. She never said anything, but she was always worried about you._

_Speaking of Izumi-san, did you know Al went to her to learn alchemy again? Yes, you succeeded in bringing him back, so don't worry. Except that he was 10 when we found him…making him 13 at the moment, and remembers nothing about his 4 years. Izumi-san thought that those 4 years, from the day you transmuted your mother, was taken. "Equivalent Trade". He wants to learn alchemy to see you again. I'm scared he might try transmuting you. I hope he won't… Heaven knows what equivalent trade would ask from him then._

_You know, I never found out what really happened that day in the Underground City. Yes, Rose was there for most of the time, but you told her to go back first. So she didn't see the whole thing. As for me, I didn't see _one little bit_ of what was going on, so I am just plain clueless. Did you ever get my note? Did you make the "right" choice? Every time I think about you, more and more questions come to my mind, all of them left unanswered._

_Sometimes, I look back to the past, when all of us were just carefree kids here in Resembool. When my parents and you mom were still here, and all we did was fool around. Remember the doll you gave me on my birthday? I remember how scared I was when you transmuted it, and how I started crying. I'm so sorry about that. It's in my room now, and it's really important to me. It's one of the few things that remind me of you._

_Ed, did you ever know that I loved you? No, it shouldn't be in past tense, because I still do. And I probably will for as long as I am alive. The first time I realized that was when you told me in the train station, the day you left for Central, that you won't come back home. It was in that moment when I really understood how much you meant to me. I guess I just took for granted that you will always be there. Now I know that nothing stays forever, I regret that I never told you. It probably would have been a burden on your part, and that we never would have talked normally after. But this feeling becomes heavier and more desperate by each passing minute, and I just want to see you again and tell you how much I love you._

_I bet you never noticed, and I don't thing you ever will. That is exactly the kind of indelicate bastard you are. You've probably found someone by now. I mean, no matter how short you may still be, you are already 18. You probably would remember me only as the girl next door, the automail freak, but that is okay. As long as you won't forget that I exist. I'd never get on with _my _life, couldn't if I tried, but I want you to get on with your life. Just don't forget about us._

_We may never meet again. But if you will ever come back, I will always be waiting for you. You still have a home to come back to. Or even if you don't come back, at least let me know you're alright. Somehow. See how desperate I am, writing this letter not even knowing what to do with it? I just miss you too much. I don't think I can go on like this much longer…_

_Winry_

xoxox

Winry was surprised that tears hadn't blotted out the paper yet. Or maybe she wasn't, since she was tired of crying too. She sighed, and smiled involuntarily remembering all the times she had written a letter before…and stopped dead in her tracks.  
_Wait, did I just smile? A real smile, not plastered on my face for the sake of everyone else?  
_She was surprised, if that started describing what she felt. She was stunned…at the fact that she still remembered how to smile. It had been _so, so_ long since she last did.

She rushed to the bathroom to look at the mirror. And though the smile was gone…who could maintain a smile through the surprise and confusion she was in? …she thought her eyes looked less tired than they did before.

She moved her lips, without saying the words…  
"Thank you, Ed."

And the letter she wrote, neither to be sent nor to be answered, was neatly folded, and kept in the same drawer with all the letters from Edward.

It was no longer time to despair for the past, but to hope for the future. She finally realized that memories were not there to kill her slowly, but to support her through her life.

Fin.

* * *

_Did you see that? Fin? It's finished...finally._

_I'd like to thank you all for reading this, and special thanks to my reviewers: C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only, DarkInuHanyou, hEnKa N kYoUkA GuRlz, windwhisprer, Darkest Alchemist, eureka its mika, Kaean, FruitsBasketFreak44, A Crazy Girl of Many Names, sucks-2-b-u, Baby Panda-chan, and Danielle Lotzof!  
You guys rock! Without you, I would NEVER have gotten through this!_

_Thanks again, and I hope you enjoyed the story..._


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